A Client Snaps at her Therapist: Shame Perspectives
Ask Susan (We welcome clinical questions)
Th: I had a UNIQUE experience today in session.
A pt. mentioned she felt ashamed by the way in which she has accepted her cheating husband back in to the marriage so readily. I then said, “could we take a look at this shame?” She snapped, “NO, I hate when you do that, when you go there, I do not find that helpful”. Her snap was so powerful that it worked and I stayed back….interesting to see where the work is, but NOT without her desire.
Susan: You are so right about the importance of your client’s desire and will in this process. There are many avenues of response that might be helpful. Here are a few that come to mind. As I write this, I know some will think (as I once did), “Hey. I just want a definitive answer to how to proceed. You’re offering choices and perspectives but which is “right?” I’ve come to distrust absolutes in this work, a failure to know what we don’t know. Humility requires self-compassion. This allows us to more freely feel and intuit our way through every relationship and make use of the skills and treatment principles we find along our path that seem to fit the moment best.
Your client may not know what “looking at her shame” means. As a client, I’m not sure I would know and it might sound like there’s something wrong with me when I need to “look” at it. This choice of wording could evoke shame, even though that is not how you meant it. Subtleties of language, a turn of phrase or slight adjustment in tone can either reduce or increase shame.
I think there’s also a projection of will here. It becomes YOU who are interested in her shame rather than the fact that she brought it up. We don’t know what’s really bothering her about readily accepting her cheating husband. Perhaps she would be less defensive and more revealing with an open ended question like “I want to be sure I’m understanding your experience and what is bothering you here. Can you tell me more about the distress you feel?”
Another line of inquiry… “How do you imagine I’m reacting to your acceptance of your cheating husband?” I’m guessing she projects that you judge her like she judges herself. If she can come to realize this projection, it could be an opening to explore her feelings towards the judging “you” she perceives you to be. “I’m glad you see that this judging perspective is coming from within you and there are really no indicators that it is coming from me. And truthfully, I’m feeling compassion rather than judgment. If you want, I think it would be helpful to you for us to ask, “How are you feeling towards me as someone who judges you for accepting your cheating husband?”
If she again snaps back, “It seems like my showing an interest in what you bring to session is bringing up feelings in you. I’m curious why you may not want me or us to give attention to something that is causing you pain. You say you feel shame and shame is is a painful feeling.” (Very caring tone becomes important here to convey compassion not only for her painful feeling of shame but also for her quick dismissal of your caring interest). I wonder if we could bring some compassion to this obviously tormenting struggle inside of you? You have loved this man and nothing is more excruciating that pulling away from someone we’ve loved. Therefore, you want to hold on to this attachment. At the same time, there is this part of you that doesn’t want to see you hurt again and again by his betrayals. I wonder if we could create the space to hear these conflicting parts of you without judgment?”
When we reduce shame and self-judgment, a greater valuing of the self along with relationship safety develops. From this strengthened self-state, she may become more willing to explore how she feels towards that part of her husband who betrays her repeatedly.
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