Speaking with Susan: Burnout from working with Intense Emotions?
Therapist:
Even though I know I’m helping my clients more than ever, and I have more clients than ever, the thought of hearing any more suffering suddenly became intolerable and exhausting to me. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on. Perhaps I’m feeling the responsibility of “healing” my clients too hard – like it’s my job to remove everyone’s suffering. I’m not sure.
Susan:
I think everyone has feelings like you expressed. I have. That’s why I mused about becoming a truck driver or a carpenter. Think of all the pretty scenery you’d get to see while cruising along or finishing a beautiful cabinet that’s utilitarian AND you know when it’s finished! 🙂 Sometimes we may feel like we’re working in ER … so much crisis and pain to witness and hold. And so much hope and expectation is placed in us. You might remember my phrase… warrior therapist. And we really do have to keep working to lower demands and pressures that we unnecessarily place on ourselves, such as “I’m a failure if therapy fails” or “I’m not worthy because I don’t know enough.”) We need plenty of R&R to supplement (do as I say, not as I do). Frankly, there are times when I crave doing things totally unrelated to psychology and need to follow these instincts. How about you?
Therapist:
My last client last night was exhausting. He’s doing tremendously better in all ways, but he asked, “Will I ever be relieved of the guilt and pain and fear I feel toward and about my father if he keeps acting like he does (abusive and always on the verge of self-imposed catastrophe, and guilting my client to save him) for the rest of his life?” I didn’t know the answer to the question and I still don’t. After that, we did a full rage, murder, burial, guilt, grief, compassion, love, etc. portrait re his father. At first afterwards my client said he felt much better, but then he said he felt depressed because, even though he felt better after the portrait, he knew in real life that his father would keep being mean, messing up his life and then turning to my client for help. I felt exhausted throughout the session. That session was the last straw for me.
Susan:
Often the perpetrator returns with a vengeance after great work in the office. People resist change, even when it’s positive. At the same time, there’s a reality that this client probably will always have pain and frustration with his father. What can be tougher than helplessly watching a loved one destroy herself? The good part is that the client says he’s doing better. Maybe defining realistic goals for therapy could help here. It IS realistic that he be able to go through life not being clinically depressed and dominated by her defenses; that he not internalize his father’s attacking projections; that he possibly reduce exposure to his father; that he not unduly ruminate and torture himself over what he is powerless to change; that he engage in self-care and seeks ongoing support from others. It is NOT realistic that he will be free of pain related to his father or that his life will never be interrupted when his father creates crises. Since he loves/cares about his mother, he cannot be unaffected by his suffering, even though his fathers suffering is largely self-imposed. He’s not going to divorce his father, I don’t think, so she will sadly remain vulnerable to feelings of grief, fear and anger. Remember the title, “I never promised you a rose garden”?
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