Moving Through Shame to Access and Transform Guilt
May 4th, 2016 adminCompassion for self, which extends tenderness in the face of one’s flaws and vulnerabilities, is a primary antidote to shame. Such compassion is a viscerally felt emotion, a nuanced form of love that has transformational power in treatment. Compassion is a light that overtakes the darkness of shame. The more the therapist can perceive and communicate caring for the suffering behind defenses, the greater the likelihood that compassion will be activated within both therapist and client. This healing process is an embodied art form, a relational dance of touching beauty.
Just today, I watched some video session material that I’m considering showing for my next training session. It showed work with a proud and kindly man who had been confronted by his wife for not being a “team player.” She’d experienced being dismissed by him when she’d asked him to do something for her during a stress-inducing holiday dinner. His anger was palpable as he ventilated about all he had done to help out, and we had definitely been working on his freedom to feel his anger and to assert himself. At the same time, there was truth in her comment as he was often detached and dismissive of the feelings and desires of others as well as his own.
Here we have an intuitive call, to focus on his anger towards his wife or his unconscious guilt and shame for having ignored her. There are some who would be absolutely clear that precise interventions were called for and would have resolved his issues. But I personally resist the algorithmic approach, finding that intuitive inclinations often take the process forward into marvelous new territory.
We’d done work previously on his anger and I knew we would again, but in this moment, I chose to focus on the unconscious guilt and shame that I sensed. He would vacillate between stating the reality that his wife had a point and then defending himself and pointing out her communication errors. It was extraordinarily difficult for him to focus on having hurt her and face his guilt over that simple fact.
The forces of unconscious shame and defense were powerful; repeatedly pulling us in the direction of what she had done wrong, and there was validity there. His expression of grievance was also quite subtle. But again, how difficult it was for him to admit he had made a relational mistake and to do something positive with that awareness! I saw this blockage as tremendously damaging to him and the relationship he wanted to build with his wife, so I repeatedly circled around, giving him opportunities to face his guilt with me without having to annihilate himself with shame. It really was a dance. A narcissistic injury and misalliance constantly loomed, and I found myself being tentative while also tenacious, doing a sort of side step.
My tenacity was driven by compassion for the harm done by his avoidance of healthy remorse and I wanted to make every communication convey my compassion in tone and body language, the non-verbal elements behind the message: “I see how you would be offended by her critical tone and I also hear that it is difficult for you to explore your feelings (i.e. shame and guilt) for having ignored her request. Yet I know this disturbs you because you care so much for her and your relationship and your feelings about having hurt her seem very important. If we ignore them, will we not be dismissing you as you experienced being dismissed by your wife and were also dismissed many times by your parents?”
Gradually he began to “get” the reality that shame was impeding him from exploring his guilt. He then revealed a significant secret for which he felt sizeable guilt, a breach of trust (not an affair) that could irreparably harm his marriage if his guilt was not faced. Fortunately, he chose to work on his guilt with me and initiated some truth-telling conversations with his wife. His expression of remorse proved to be one of the turning points in his floundering marriage.
Tip to therapists: if you feel pulled in a certain direction, based on your sense of what the client most needs in a moment, listen to that prompt. Perhaps share with the client why you feel pulled; or simply stick with your intuition and check out the client’s response to your endeavors, i.e. does the material go deeper? Or one might seek permission to continue a path of exploration. While we have certain guideposts that most of us rely upon and that we teach in our training, each relational moment is always unchartered territory. This is what can make our work such an amazing discovery and joy. I love learning what the moment has to teach.
