Are there times to abandon our approach?
April 14th, 2017 adminIt’s my pleasure to respond to this great question from a fellow clinician:
“This is about paths. Some people believe that if a client is resistant, you should take a different path—meaning move to a different model. I know you believe in integration, but this is something different. If a client appears to be rejecting or pushing back on a focus on feelings and sharing what she is experiencing with the therapist, then maybe the therapist should just move to doing a different type of therapy and not stay on a path that would involve noticing and sharing feelings. As one person has said, ‘Clearly the path is creating the resistance.’ So why would a therapist remain on an emotion-focused path in these instances?”
This is a great question. When there is resistance to feeling feelings… and is there never NOT resistance?…should the emotion focused therapist abandon the approach? When there is a quality of insistence, which is a particular form of resistance, I tend to heed it and show flexibility. When insistence is operating and there is not an alliance to pursue an emotion focused path, I am not so attached to any approach to believe there is one path to healing. So we find our way together. When there is a sense of reconnection and greater trust, I will then introduce my suggested approach and share why I value a connection to feelings so highly. I may wonder “Why does exploring your feelings seem irrelevant? Why does such a vital part of yourself seem unimportant to attend to?” My responses are very tied to compassion and respect for self. Most often, people are touched by this. They may also be wiling to recognize that their pattern of functioning without emotional connection has not been yielding the desired results and they may be willing to try something new. When I can also identify and acknowledge feelings of shame and fear around attempting a new level of interpersonal exposure and show empathy and compassion for the struggle within them, very often doors open in a way that at times seems magical.
I’m reminded of the wisdom of holding a bird with an open hand. We never want to squeeze around a bird and deny it its freedom. Yet we may really want to feed the bird and if we go with this analogy, our food is an emotion focused approach. So, let’s think more about the complexity here. I remember a client telling me emphatically she wanted to problem solve together and NOT explore feelings. She was convinced they were not relevant to her at this particular time. “I’ve dealt with my feelings already.” I took a stance that I believed connecting to her feelings would open a window to the solutions she was seeking. She disagreed and dropped out. I never forgot the lesson she taught me. Today when a client says emphatically they want to problem solve, I am flexible and I may problem solve. When I can help create the experience that the client has impacted me and taught me something about how I can be more helpful, this itself has healing power, in my opinion. The client and I come together as two individuals seeking to find a way to dance together and gradually move in a direction that will serve the client. I agree with Scott Miller’s statement that we need to listen to what the client WANTS!!!
I’m also reminded of a horse story I sometimes tell. It was a big, black stallion that was recently in the wild and had been ridden very few times. We were in a group taking a ride in the mountains surrounding Santa Fe. Spectacular! The man who first mounted him rapidly disappeared into the distance and the trainer took off to rescue him. I probably very foolishly agreed to take that horse. The second I pulled back on the reins, he reared up on his hind legs and I was lucky not to be thrown. I clearly could not control him but maybe there was a way we could work together. So I released the reins and gently signaled the direction the group was heading. When I wanted to slow down, my hands communicated a certain flexibility and responsiveness. I would pull back gently and also release as he asserted his will. It was actually an interplay of 2 wills and rather amazingly, it worked and I had an unforgettable and beautiful ride. It was a first in my riding experience.
My relationships with humans have some similarities in terms of intuitive responding. I frequently notice ways in which therapists may impose their will. I’ve been among them and it either doesn’t turn out well or something is lost. Exerting control may be ever so subtle or it may appear as very engaging and even charming. But it is an imposition of will nevertheless. And it does not convey respect, in a very fundamental way, for the differences between 2 people and the right of people to choose… most especially in a therapeutic process. I encourage therapists to always use a light hand, to invite and not pull or push and to be ready to release when we notice we have our own agenda operating. This is not abandoning an approach but rather holding in mind the ultimate destination of human connection through differentiation and sense of self.
