Speaking with Susan
January 2nd, 2017 adminA therapist is concerned about being judgmental of a client’s abusive boyfriend.
Susan’s response: When you speak of being judgmental towards her abusive boyfriend, I can empathize with how hard it can be to walk the line between showing our caring and concern without inserting our own will, even subtly, especially when it comes to abuse. I’ve definitely grappled with that dilemma myself.
With someone like your client, there is usually an unconscious invitation to rescue or to take on the person’s rage (i.e. projective identification) so she doesn’t have to face her own conflict. This invitation can be very compelling when abuse is involved. It’s taken experiences like yours to cause me to make a real internal shift so I can step outside the projection. A question like “I see this is very painful for you. I wonder what you hope for when you tell me about this abuse?” helps her to clarify her own desires and vision for her life. If she expresses any desire to free herself, then there is a budding alliance to begin exploring her feelings towards him. We can then anticipate that anxiety and shame will follow because her sense of self has never truly developed. This emergence of these inhibitory affects will give her an opportunity to see what has stood in the way of her own healthy self-protective impulses and feelings. I’ve learned the hard way to be very careful about not preempting her feelings with my own, even though I would likely feel very much as you do. But I don’t want my own feelings to dwarf hers. Her signals to her own unconscious are so in need of strengthening that I don’t want to distract her with my own.
Your insightful comment about possibly conveying your own judgment about the boyfriend is probably true: “I can’t help but think she’ll feel pressure to have to give him up and she’s not ready to do that.” It seems like a good idea to bring this up directly and check it out with her. Like “I’m wondering how you imagine I’m reacting to what you’ve shared about your relationship?” You can always clarify that you of course desire that she be safe while at the same time having no need or requirement for her to do anything. In other words, your acceptance of her remains the same regardless of her choices and you are very respectful of her right to make her own decisions.
