Speaking with Susan: As we grow, people “change” around us!
November 1st, 2012 adminSusan:
I thoroughly enjoyed this email from a therapist in our DEFT training and will share it with you in its entirety. It’s a topic we don’t often address yet has huge significance.This is the impact on the people around us… family, friends and co-workers… as we grow more connected to our feelings with a heightened cognitive and visceral awareness of them. Our spouse or parent surprises us with new and more positive ways of responding to us, and we wonder, how is this possible? When we hear this from our client, it tells us that therapy has succeeded in helping him/her to unloose the chains of the punitive self-shaming, toxic anxiety and guilt inducing forces that lead to poor communication (e.g. judgmental, shaming or out of control) and defensive walls of separation. Consequently, feelings can be experienced from a centered, more grounded and freer internal state and then new options present themselves for consideration, such as:
“Is my feeling important enough to this relationship or to me to share it?”
“What is the capacity of the person towards whom I am having these feelings to hear what I wish to express? Is this person likely to become defensive, out of control or withdraw? Is it worth the risk?”
“How might I express my feelings in such a way (choice of words, tone) that this person will be more likely to hear my message? I’m aware that effective communication is devoid of blame and that I will have a better outcome if I own my experience. Now that I no longer harshly attack myself, I have a new capacity to show tolerance towards this friend or family member.”
“Free from the restraints of fear, toxic shame and guilt, I can feel in control.”
I remember a communication that I had with someone close to me who was behaving in a very hurtful way. In the past, when I felt angry, my heart would accelerate and there would be these distracting anxiety reactions. I was so thrilled as I began to be able to feel anger from a powerful, centered place and I heard myself make a very reasoned, calm request to this person that felt exhilarating. The usual destructive back and forth did not occur and my lessened anxiety did serve to provide some calming containment for the other person.
To respond to the comment below, I would say that all of the possibilities mentioned by this therapist are plausible explanations for the change in responses and improved relationships that your clients are experiencing, Thanks so much for sharing this wonderful aspect of successful therapy and kudos for the ways your work is having such a ripple effect not only for your clients but for those around them.
Therapist in training:
“I’m noticing that my clients who used to have a hard time knowing and expressing their wants, needs, desires, feelings, boundaries and preferences, and who now have overcome anxiety/defenses thru ISTDP/DEFT and become more integrated and expressive, experience the following: Their mates/significant others, instead of fighting back
against my clients’ newfound strength and self-expression, seem to be quite content to listen to and take into consideration what my client wants. In other words, instead of fighting my client, as my client is used to happening and expects will happen, the mate listens, cooperates and compromises.
This surprises me because I would have predicted that the other would want my client to “change back.”. That the character of the other
would prefer a non-assertive mate…
If it’s obvious to you what may be happening, please let me know!
Is it the decrease in my clients’ anxiety that is soothing/reassuring
to their mates? Is it respect for their new strength?
Is it relief that my clients are no longer “leaking” anger?
Is it a relief to know clearly what my client is about for a change?
Is it a relief that my client is no longer cow-towing fearfully?
Is it all of these – or none of these?
Or do we really have no idea for sure what is going on in any
particular individual case?
