The People Whisperers
December 6th, 2011 adminI am most thrilled to announce a new, expanded skill-building training entitled “Intensifying and Integrating Deep Affect,” beginning February 11, 2012. Participants will have the option to pursue three levels of certification over the course of three years. Check out the link to my website. My commitment is to help colleagues to significantly elevate their work and to create a nurturing atmosphere so necessary for this to occur. Now, on to my topic…
OK, I admit it and I apologize to those who have been faithfully reading my blog… I dropped the ball right after I saw the movie, “Buck,” a take-your-breath away documentary about Buck Brannaman, a 3rd generation horse whisperer. He’s a rare breed himself… an open, vulnerable, wise cowboy who has transcended the most horrific trauma at the hands of his violently abusive father and was rescued by foster parents who are true angels. He determined not to perpetuate the agony of his childhood upon other living beings.
I was so fired up to write a post about how Buck could get a horse to enjoy a dance with him through the power of gentle, always kind-yet-confident, non-verbal cues… the two of them gliding sideways across a majestic terrain or a horse following him with no halter and matching Buck’s pace exactly…because I saw something that could be applicable to those of us who aspire to be people whisperers. I saw metaphors that we can remember, as attuned therapists, as we practice interrupting defenses and coaxing our patients into whole new ways of relating to us and to others.
But then I thought, this subject is not scientific and horses have nothing to do with people, and if I write about this, it will look like I’ve wandered off the range! So instead I kept thinking about it off and on and essentially stymied myself and stopped writing. So now I’m going to get these observations out of my system and hope you’ll bear with me, because you know I have you in mind.
From the time I was a kid, horses could transfix me, and a most painful childhood experience was dreaming that I’d been given a horse and then waking up to discover it wasn’t true! I was always fascinated by the way a horse looked at me… not a direct gaze…but rather a peripheral glance. Yet I learned from Buck just how much these creatures are actually taking in, how much they read about the man or woman approaching them, and first and foremost they want to be safe and they also want to please.
And then I talked to my sister, Linda, about it because she raises championship Arabian horses surrounded on all sides by the gorgeous Shenandoah Mountains, not another house in sight. She and her husband watch the pregnant mares round the clock on closed-circuit TV and know when to race out to the barn they built and mid-wife that breathtaking baby into the world. She’s studied with Clinton Anderson, one in the line of great horse whisperers, because she loves her magnificent creatures with the chiseled, aristocratic faces almost as much as her 8 grandchildren, and that’s a mighty amount.
She sent me the following about Monty Roberts, who wrote the book, Horse Sense for People, and gives demonstrations in sold-out arenas all over the world. “Corporate executives, educators, psychologists and experts who work with victims and violent victimizers, autistic children or in the field of substance abuse, study Monty Roberts’ methods to learn how they might apply these same trust-based communication and training principles to their own work. In Monty’s experience with over 250 major companies, he has seen the same dynamics at work, time and time again. …From horses he has learned guidelines for “improving the quality of our communication with one another; for learning to ‘read’ each other effectively; and for creating positive, fear-free learning environments.” Horse Sense for People has at its core an inspiring belief in the power of gentleness, positive actions, and trust as the basis of success.”
OK, so what did I see in the film “Buck” that applies to STDP? Buck would walk into a ring with a new horse he’d never met before, and the horse would exhibit an endless variety of rude misbehaviors, essentially to “create distance” from him. As he explained, no one ever taught these horses how to be a member of their herd. So, as my sister explained to me, you walk sideways up to a horse, which can be translated to…remember to use a graded approach when people are anxious. Don’t just walk up and keep asking, “How do you feel” without reading the body signals and adjusting your approach according to the level of safety that’s been created.
When Buck saw misbehaviors (defenses), he’d gently flap the flank of the horse with some kind of soft rags on a stick to gently irritate the horse enough so he wouldn’t like it but would also recognize that no harm was meant. My sister added that consistency in applying this “pressure” was all-important until the new behavior was learned. To be effective, the intervention needed to be very clear, leaving no room for doubt or confusion. Of course, unlike with horses, we intervene with our patients only with their permission and understanding. So, when we draw attention to the defenses and compassionately point out that they carry a cost, this is irritating to the part of the patient that has relied on these self-protective habits.
Therapists so often back away at this point because who wants to be an irritant? Yet, just like a “good enough horse whisperer” or a “good enough parent” or a “good enough therapist,” we don’t stand idly by while our patients are hurting themselves. And our patients sense that we mean no harm and are expressing our caring engagement. We are also providing clear teaching about the specific defenses being employed and do not ignore self-destructive mechanisms one minute while emphasizing them at another time. Are they important or not? Of course, our patients are adults, so they have the right to hurt themselves with pathological defenses. But it is our responsibility to be sure they are aware of the consequences of their choice.
Linda told me, “It’s ALL body language.” She said, “Your body needs to be RELAXED (people whisperers, listen up…we FIRST must attend to our own anxieties which are so often fueled by our own toxic self-criticisms)! She said: “Your eyes and face need to be soft.” I absolutely cannot second this point enough!! And there must be instant praise when the horse is trying, like when he backs up a foot when you’ve asked him to. My sister said cutely, “You should have a “happy tone” to let a horse know he has done something pleasingly because they so want to please! Linda demonstrated this to me with a lilting voice that was charming. As Buck said, “You love on ‘em.’” So to “create a sense of mastery,” one of the top 4 or 5 positive therapy outcome factors, we need to signal our patients with a warm smile or word of praise and appreciation when they courageously risk a new level of self-disclosure or intimacy.
Linda made another interesting point: horses do not learn from pressure but rather learn from “release from pressure.” She told me that when you are trying to get a horse to move his forequarters, you tap in rhythm with a stick, and when the horse moves, you stop tapping and rub affectionately. How fascinating! So, can we say that it is the positive reinforcement and encouragement when a patient drops a defense that actually creates the learning experience? Perhaps something like, “You really allowed me to feel close to you when you dropped that wall of detachment and let me see your tears.” Another point Linda made: “The release of the pressure must be perfectly timed or the horse becomes confused by the signals.” She said, “The signal must be “clear, decisive and positive.” Ah yes, timing really is everything!
I’ll end on a most encouraging note. Horses don’t forget what they’ve learned! So as our patients have new attachment experiences with us, as neuroscience tells us, brain structure is actually altered over time and our patients will not forget how to relate in the new ways they’ve experienced with us!
